Over the course of the day 30 emails were exchanged.

Tough questions were asked.

And I was getting more and more dismayed.

Her: What do you want Kelly?

Me: ‘This’ is what I want.

Her: Well you have that already.

This was not what I wanted to hear – that I was already at the summit. Nothing left to conquer. Goals achieved.

So I started to lie. To give the answers I thought she wanted to hear. Naming dreams that were both outlandish and didn’t belong to me.

And she gave me more than I deserved – honouring those declarations with:

Well if that’s what you want Kelly, then here’s what you need to do.

But of course I do not want to do what needs doing. Because what needs doing is in aid of stuff I don’t really want.

The alternative though – it is quite frightening.

If she speaks the truth then I am becalmed in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. Rudderless. Nothing to strive for.

This is a new experience.

Never before in my life have I been exactly where I want to be.

I have zero coping mechanisms for this.